


Heavy

by lipservice (thescariestadverbs)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 11:38:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescariestadverbs/pseuds/lipservice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam doesn’t even say anything about your trench coat under my pillow. </p><p>Season 7 focus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavy

So tell me, tell me, tell  
Tell me, tell me where you have been?  
Well an angel kissed my hands  
While I slept last night  
And when I woke up this morning  
God, I missed you something fierce  
Tegan and Sara – Heavy 

I can’t sleep tonight. I want to. It’s hot and it’s humid from the rain. It’s the kind of humid where your body is slick and sticks to the sheet, the kind of hot where your foul mood just becomes fouler as the day wears on. All I really want to do is to be dead with you somewhere. All I really want is to be asleep. 

I see you when I close my eyes. I smell your skin. I feel your hair in my fingers. When I close my eyes I can sense the urgency in your touch. I can taste you. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can forget what happened. I can forget, for a moment, for a night, that you are gone and I am alone in this world again. I always thought I could do this on my own. 

Dad went missing. I got nervous. I went and got Sam. I know I probably shouldn’t have. I thought I needed him, oh fuck, I do need him. But it’s not like I really have him now. When he isn’t busy with the devil in his head he is busy fighting the demons in mine. He doesn’t think I could have saved you. Maybe he doesn’t think I should have even if I could have. Could I have saved you? Could I save anyone really? 

My dad died because I wasn’t careful. You died because I wasn’t careful and Sam died because I wasn’t careful. Jo and Ellen died because I wasn’t careful. I should know better than to live this life with someone else around. I’m so goddamned tired of burning the bodies of people I love. I’m tired of missing people. My heart is a fucking graveyard, Castiel. You’re as responsible as I am. This life is meant to be lonely, and hard and dirty, and it’s supposed to hurt. You shouldn’t have brought me back. I didn’t deserve to come back.

And really, I shouldn’t have gotten Sam that night.

Sam is a good brother, when he isn’t drinking demon’s blood or talking to the devil in his head anyway. He doesn’t even say anything about your trench coat under my pillow. When did we go from the sort of brothers who could share a laugh to the ones who just smile sadly when we look at each other? When did we stop being human and start being robots? When did we stop talking about the things that matter and start lying about them instead? Why didn’t you talk to me? Why did you lie? 

The real honest truth is I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe you went off on your own and you fucked everything all up and then you just left me here. Alone. I can’t believe you lied to me. I defended you! I stood up for you! When did all the betrayal start? At the beginning? When did you start hiding things from me?  
Did you pull me from hell just so you could build up something so much worse?

And just where is God in all of this? There has to be some consideration for intent, even if you lose your way. We need you, Dean. You were chosen, Dean. Things didn’t turn out, Dean. Now you are on your own to clean up the goddamned mess, Dean. 

Some nights I lay here and try so hard to focus. I should be able to find you. I should be able to feel you. You are a part of me so wholly I should just be able to know where you are. Know if you really are dead. You must be dead. Otherwise you would have found me, right? You wouldn’t just leave.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Or at least it probably was but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I think people just say it wasn’t supposed to happen that way to make themselves feel like some sort of great injustice has be placed upon them. 

I feel like some sort of great injustice has been placed upon me. And I think it’s your fault. You were so caught up in fixing Heaven and impressing your daddy that you forgot that your choices affected me too. You must have forgotten. 

When I close my eyes I can see your face so clearly I want to cry. I want grab you and hold you close. I want to never let you go. I want to give myself to you so completely. When I close my eyes I kiss you for the first time, every time. I tell you where we are, what we are doing. You tell me you are sorry. You tell me you love me. I wonder sometimes, if it’s really you in my head or if I’m just going crazy because I miss you so goddamned much. 

And when I wake up in the morning I try so hard to stay asleep, to stay with you. I am ripped from our bliss to save someone else from the skeleton in their closet. Sam always gives me that sad smile when I sit up, like he understands or something. He knows we pack your coat first now. Can’t risk forgetting it anywhere. You’ll need it when you find us. 

God, Cas why did you do this? Why won’t you come back to me? 

You're heavy in my heart  
You're heavy in my hands  
You're heavy in my mouth  
Yes, you're heavy in my day  
You're heavy in my songs  
You're heavy in my light  
And you're all that I want  
Tegan and Sara - Heavy

-lipservice


End file.
